Even though I have continued on my journey I am definitely changed after a year of constant challenge, great disappointments and ultimately massive life breakthroughs. After a number of years in the business world I have come to the great insight that it is primarily not for me. I'm not saying that I am not interested in it but I am in fact not suppose to be active in the business world on a permanent basis. I have great passion for it, love to study it and help people reflect on it and their role in it but I am not interested in becoming a, how did Nicholas Nassim Taleb say: "corporate slave with "work ethics" (whenever I hear work ethics I interpret inefficient mediocrity)".
I'll gladly earn less but live meaningfully at a slower, more reflective pace. After going through a period in the last year of ultimate reduction of identity I can say that it was not easy or pleasant but truly necessary.
I am now experiencing synthesis and do not entertain the tyranny of the or. I am not following my heart or my head but instead follow them both. I can now see how an unrealistic view of myself had me trapped and how a deeper understanding of myself is based on dynamics rather than homeostasis. In other words, I am constantly changing and the product of the complex relationships that I am part of. There is perhaps less in my control and less that I have to achieve. I am rather inclined to proceed intuitively but use my mind to understand what I have done and how my intuition operates. Perhaps it is a little like what the Oracle tells Neo in The Matrix Reloaded: "...you didn't come here to make the choice, you've already made it. You're here to try to understand why you made it." I believe we actually make many choices that is actually subconscious and by coming to understand our choices we could perhaps help to influence the subconscious in the future.
I am looking forward to 2013 where I know that I will make choices that are intuitive and then reflect on them cognitively afterward. I know that this is my pattern and rather than be someone I am not I can now embrace this pattern as my own and find and give joy through the use of my gifts. This journey ultimately leads to the annihilation of my fears through the fulfillment of my greatest desires but it has been a difficult journey to get to the place of self-knowledge that is a source of peace.
So, no new-years resolutions or new initiatives. No new targets or projects. Only life to the full!
